“You wretch, you scoundrel, you blackguard”, she whispered to me on the staircase, “it is you who have seduced my poor sister.” Soon a better opportunity was found, and we had a scene; it took place in my bed-room, when the other servant who had replaced Sarah, and my mother were out. I could only say I was sorry. She blazed out worse than ever then, and spoke so violently about my behaviour to herself, that I told her, whatever her sister had to complain of, I thought she had but little, for that mine was not the first prick which had been up her, I was sure. My words and manner staggered and quieted her and after making me take a solemn oath (which I did holding a Bible) I would never tell her sister that she was in the family way by me, she got tranquil, and I fucked her before she Ieft the room.Susan was dreadfully ill a few days afterwards, she had got a miscarriage; my mother attended to her, thinking she had inflamation of her bowels. I went to see Sarah, who told me some. However, I do not believe that he paid me much attention. He was quite concerned, and rightly so, with your injury. Head wounds bleed profusely and once he ascertained that I bore no responsibility for the gash on your chin, he promptly forgot all about me and tended to you." So, was it real the memories I have of you living with Papa and me during the last months before he passed? No. Those memories are not real. They cannot be true. I wish that they were. The memories I have of finding Papa all by myself, those memories are true. And, that was when Lilith first spoke to me. She stroked my hair and sang to me. She told me that she would protect me, keep me safe. She promised that no one would ever be able to hurt me again. She kept that promise, Erik. The only thing that she neglected to tell me was that in order that no one hurt me again, no one would ever love me again. That was the trade. I could not allow anyone to become close to me. I remember when Madame would try to hold me.
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