The argument I use to console myself is that if I cannot be strong enough for myself, how can I be strong enough for someone else? The thought pattern strikes me as something very much like bullshit. It’s in our makeup to preserve ourselves with bullshit, though. I said that my mistake had lain in, ‘trying to effect a change in someone else,’ but that makes it sound like I was trying to break her down and rebuild her in my own image. Really I just wanted to make her want to change herself. How much more noble that sounds! I went inside and puked until every muscle in my back felt like it was going to tear itself out through my skin and dance away in a waltz of pain. Staring at what was left of my stomach all over my hands and in my hair, the idea that I had to get a new hobby struck me with amazing clarity. I rinsed off my hands and went into my room to stare out the window. Seven in the morning and everything is painted with the blue of dawn. All I want, right now, is to fall in. We ate in his garden with me sitting beside him throughout the meal. We had entertainment that would have made the best burlesque show of my world jealous. There were dancing girls who were barely clad in garments that were transparent and there were jugglers, acrobats, magicians, singers, and fools. Wine flowed and food was placed before us on golden platters. My mates sat on by my side and my friends sat beside Lord Tailem. Even Elsa Mueller sat there with us; near enough that she could share our conversation from time to time. Afterwards Elsa and I retired with Lord Tailem to his private office in his suite, where we discussed the events of the last few days and the proposal that I had originally come to Blue Harbour to discuss. Lord Tailem was all for it."My friends," he said after hearing our proposal, "I would sign the agreement this minute if I could. My only regret is that I have very little to offer in exchange for your friendship. My administration has been eradicated by.
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