She was not dead. She was no longer anything at all. ===== I have thought a great deal, a very great deal, about what went wrong, searching for the headwaters of my deluvial apocalypse. I have always made choices. For as long as I can remember, I have chosen my life. At least I thought I had. I certainly do not think I would have chosen my present circumstances, yet somehow I did. Here I am. There was one moment, on one day, on a subway platform, in which my life seemed to fall off the rails, yet I know now that that moment was neither the beginning nor the end of my undoing. Everything fits together in a strange way. When I look for my first mistake, I always begin on that subway platform. I play the events of my life step by step, day by day, year by year forward and backward from there, yet I can find no fault, no sin of which I can accuse myself. I cannot remember the day that I was born. Perhaps it happened then. In any case, I feel certain, as one might consider fitting, that. Johnny calls out 'nice tits anyway'. Beth found one of Tim's t shirts for her to put on and she came back jiggling a bit but covered. She sat far away from Johnny. He says, ok cool I saw all the tits I'll stay and party. Only Jeannie seemed nervous. Johnny had some wine, and since he was the entertainment I told him to dance for us. A little later I saw Beth whisper to him and they slipped off to your bedroom, sorry. Apparently Johnny fucked her good because she let out a scream and when she came back I swear she was bowlegged.(Here Johnny did break in to say he'd dreamed of getting Beth ever since she was hanging out with Sandy. Apparently she was hot in bed.)Thing settled down. Tracy somehow how worked herself over next to Johnny. I was close enough to hear her. She said she was sorry about being bitchy before. She told him he had a really nice looking penis. Johnny barely heard her staring at her tits. He thought he was being smooth putting his arm around her and letting his hand.
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