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”“Yes, dear, but you supported him for years.”“You don’t understand. Yes, his paycheck pays the bills, and once mine did -- with generous help from you and your husband. But back then, even before we were married, he kept me steady. He hugged me when I needed a hug. Had he been a perpetual student and we had never had a child because I needed to keep working, even then I’d have needed him more than he needed me. If I need his care less now, it’s because he’s helped mend me.“You talk about the language study,” Jeanette continued. “You want to know how that came about? Well, it was the third thing I studied after the wedding. The first was a course he was taking, Studying with him was all sorts of fun, but he was a junior, after all. He stopped taking courses without prerequisites. He asked me what I wanted to study next.“Y’know, Pastor Jim had talked to us about what we assumed from the families in which we grew up. He wants this, but she wants that. This isn’t too dangerous, ‘cause. She didn’t tell him her fears anymore, she wouldn’t tell him her problems, or when she wanted to do something dangerous. She wouldn’t tell him her worries. She would talk with him but not about anything really important or about her. She still laughed with him, but her laugh was different, it didn’t have the same life, the same spark. She didn’t want to tell him her struggles anymore. She didn’t want him to worry about her, didn’t want him to know just how far her self-hatred really went. How deeply rooted in her mind it really was. How every time anyone got just a little glimpse of it, they would tell her that she scared them. She couldn’t do that to him…. But she already had…. And she hated herself for that. She had scared him once already, let him see the one mark she had made, the first mark she had made in months. A mark she made because those feelings she tries to hide so deep came clawing back to the surface. Feelings she thought she had locked away for good. But feelings of.
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