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I couldn't begin to count the number of times I'd thought about my mother, speculating about what she was like, or asking myself how she could have given me up. I'd been so angry with her for doing that, always believing deep down inside, that she had simply thrown me away. A thousand thoughts and feelings assaulted my brain at once. I was overwhelmed and overcome. I remember getting ready to scream at Sister Clara, to tell her to please shut up, to let me have some time alone with the idea of my mother's death.I woke up in a hospital in Bolling. I'd collapsed, emotionally overwrought is what the nurse told me I'd been. She said my reaction wasn't that uncommon with older people, but was pretty unusual in a child. I was almost sixteen years old, and I no longer considered myself a child. I had been unconscious for about three hours. The nurse told me that Sister Clara was in the waiting area, anxiously waiting for me to regain consciousness. She asked me if I felt up to having Sister. Amanda answered. ‘She’s kind of okay, right now. At least she’s settling down. Somewhat. George wrote her a scrip for some Valium and he’s at Walgreens picking it up.’ George is Amanda’s husband and an anesthesiologist. Well, that might help, but I doubted Jackie would want to be sedated for very long. I walked in, saw Jackie sitting on the couch and sat down next to her. For a second I looked at her, then started to cry. Hard. ‘Oh god, Jackie. I don’t know what to say or do. How can I help? Do you need me to run any errands? Anything. I’m so sorry.’ She looked at me, tears running down her cheeks. I realized that she was wearing a t-shirt and robe. And some silly bunny rabbit slippers. ‘Sweet heart, I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I have a 10:30 flight. I’m supposed to…’ at which point she totally broke down in tears. ‘Oh fuck, they want me to identify his body. I don’t know how I’m going to do that.’ Amanda came over to the other side of me. ‘Sue’s going to meet.
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