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And now we had the circumstances. "And we're both married," she said in an attempt to cool my ardour. I pulled her to me and kissed her and she kissed me back."You're lovely," I said softly."So are you," she replied.I put my hand on her thigh and slid it up towards her crotch."You're not going to shag me tonight," she said in a friendly tone. "I want to, but not here and not now." How about a little blow job?" I asked."I don't do that," she said almost apologetically. "Maria does. Ask her." Maria was another member of the advertising department, pleasant enough to look at but not overtly sexy."You think?" I asked."I'll go and get her. Wait there." She set her body to leave but then turned to me. "I want my turn one day," she said. "Somewhere nice. A hotel, a flat, somewhere safe and comfortable." I stood up and wrapped my arms around her."I would like that too," I said. Jane went off and I sat back down on the rock, taking pebbles from the sand and tossing them down the beach. In. She can't understand why I would want to cheat on him. She sees him as the perfect husband. She's right of course. He is perfect. Too perfect.Why am I so hell-bent on self-destruction? Why do I think I can have my wonderful husband and another man on the side? I don't understand myself. It's not like I haven't had the experience of other men before Howard and I met. I know the difference. I know how much better Howard is than other men. What is driving me to the edge of this cliff?Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I do need psychiatric help. Maybe it does have to do with menopause. Too many questions. Too much confusion. I won't solve these questions lying in bed. It was time to get up and shower. Eat something. Think about what I want to say tonight. Be prepared. Don't let Howard get the upper hand again.I made it through the day. I lay down after lunch and slept for almost two hours. I felt better for it. But I could feel my nervousness just below the surface. I wasn't calm at all. It was.
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