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I couldn't see, couldn't breathe. I was dying, burning up, being crushed. This was worse than the pain before, worse than the breaking grinding bones or the rape. Why, why had I agreed to this? My body was gone, lost somewhere. I was going to die and I had so wanted to find out what the demon Zai had meant by his last statement.Experience a life like you've never known ... what had that meant? What kind of life? A life with a demon, with this demon?I realised I could feel my hand. I wasn't quite so lost. I could feel my hand, and in my hand was Zai's hand. His strong furred fingers gripping mine. I clung on tight.Zai? Zai? Where are you?Hush little one. His voice is my head was like a whisper straight into my brain. The pain isn't real, it's just imagined. Concentrate.I can't! It hurts! I wanted to block out the pain, wanted to try and do what Zai told me but the fire was white hot on my insides. All I could feel was my hand, the rest was just pain.Concentrate boy! Zai hand crushed. Wednesday, March 8, 2000Trish wants me to stop going to Margaret. She likes her tea earlier. And the thing is, I am starting to think I am wasting my time and money anyway. We spent the whole time talking about stupid stuff and she has no idea that last night I was crying from happiness because my landlady had me on my knees pulling my hair. But I have been going to Margaret for so long it would be weird to not have her to talk to. Plus how would I tell her? She was playing with Alyssa while I was doing her feet and her skirt got all bunched up so I could totally see her panties and her thighs were spread a little. I don't know why I want to look, but I do. I think it is just because I know I shouldn't. Especially after last night. I tipped my head so she could not see my eyes and just stared at it. It makes me totally grossed out but I kept looking. It made me feel so perverted and dirty. Why does that turn me on so much. Part of it is cause I kept picturing how.
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