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I can't explain how those long months when I was seeing Brian seem so unreal to me. It was as if I had pillows for shoes--the ground didn't feel solid under my feet, except that... at the same time, in my head, I saw me walking down the edge of an endless razor blade. It was like if I made the slightest misstep, I would cut my feet to ribbons... and I would fall... and then I would die. That was how I saw my life.How do I explain the fog that filled my mind for so long? I couldn't think. I couldn't reason. When Mark talked to me, all I heard were incomprehensible sounds that were lost in the screeching noises already filling me. I wanted to hear him but I could not.It's so very hard to remember the things I did. I try; I need to comprehend them so I can get better but there's nothing to hold on to. Everything that went on in those days... in the months; they feel like they happened to someone else... except I was there... watching me do them. Doctor Jamison nods when I say these. For the last 1 yr I used to notice that my cousin is very friendly to me. Before everyone she use to be very normal teasing me every time. My uncle used to stay near us about 1/2 hour distance. She had a relation with a guy 2 yrs back but nothing much happened, they broke off. She used to tell me everything when we used to visit her place to meet them but not before everyone not even before my wife.The incident happened two months back. We had not gone to their place for a long time. One day she called me up. First she was normal asking why didn’t we go to their place, how is my wife etc. Then she told me that she wants to talk to me because she couldn’t concentrate in her studies. I said ok we will go to their place the coming Sunday.But she didn’t agree b’cos she doesn’t get much time alone with me, her parents & my wife all will be around & told me that she wants to meet me alone.I had nothing in my mind. I thought that must be some problem with her which she wants to share with.
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