Cute Girl Having

* * * * * I sat staring at Jerry as Susan left us, quickly walking away from a situation she seemed to now think undesirable or even disgusting. Perhaps she hadn’t been fully awake and aware when we’d been in bed together. What if what we had done had somehow hurt her? Had we crossed a line that a carefully brought up, moral woman would rather die than cross? I saw the worries of my mind mirrored in my brother’s face. He was nervously biting one of his thumb nails, something I hadn’t seen him do since our mother had died, leaving us alone with a grieving father at the tender age of nine and a half. Thinking about our mother’s death and the way our father had struggled on with life, trying to create a stable home environment for the both of us, going about it in the only way he could think of, by finding us another mother, made me tense up. That part of our lives had not been a happy one, and was probably at least partly to blame for the way we both approached life and love, Jerry. “I hate popular kids and I love Connie. I hate stupid questions and I love Pat. I hate bitches--” She started her mantra as I stood up and vaulted her until she caught the dent. I set her foot on my shoulder and pushed up the other.“--and I love cheerleading! You’re supposed to be screaming!” She stomped my collar bone. I grinned.“I can show you the world ... Shining, shimmering, splendid. Tell me princess now when did you last let your heart decide...” It was the only song I knew where she would have a part to sing back at me. She jumped in to sing Aladdin’s part with me, but she had the courage to pull her foot up from my shoulder. I smiled as I sang, but her voice was scratched up by “Magic carpet ride.” And I couldn’t hear her sing back “a new fantastic point of view.”I was alone. In the dark. I had myself. The rush of blood in my veins and the beating of my heart seemed too loud. I rubbed my sore toes on the floor. I think my shoulder hurt more than my toes now. The floor was.
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