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I turn on the overhead light, the fan beginning to spin, causing the reflection and the shadow of the studio light to pulse. I leap to her side, and brush her hair from her face. A last hope, yes she is asleep. But I know, her skin so white, so green. Pulling up the lids of her eyes for a last sign of life. She is not there, the deep chestnut brown, just like my own, now paled and gray. I can see it now, the pooled vomit cradling her face, like a sickening pillow, her last bed down. And then I notice, the smell of sick, the smell of paint thinner, so strong so overbearing. My Rene. My love. As I inch my toe backwards I turn to face the living room. My chair is there waiting for me, the ashtray full, the coffee mug empty. Settling gently, the cool leather embracing my feeble frame. I stare into space, into emptiness. I am so cold. I can feel my ribs against my spine, a crunching almost, an uncomfortable conjunction. I open the cigarette box, two lengths rolling to one side. I remove. Now tell me all the juicy details. How did you learn to act so much like a girl? Somebody taught you the ropes." Hey, I read 'Creating a Feminine Carriage: Figure, Posture, Walk, & Gesture' by Elaine Sagant. She is image and movement consultant to the transgender community. Everything from bending and reaching to getting in and out of cars in a ladylike manner. And I practiced with girlfriends who are also suffering from Gender Dysphoria."Although as you know, I had a rather girlish face to begin with, I have undergone considerable facial feminization surgery. A male and female skull have basic differences, as any anthropologist will tell you. I had orbital rim contouring to modify my forehead, cheek augmentation utilizing implants, lower jaw chin surgery and thyroid cartilage reduction for my Adam's Apple." What about your body?" I asked. "Your breasts are fantastic." You know, just the usual textured saline filled implants. Also a tummy tuck, hip, thigh and leg.
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