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"Please, I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at myself. Laughing with relief. I'd prepared myself for the worst. I had myself convinced that you were going to tell me you'd taken to beating your wife to a pulp or robbing banks or something, and that you'd come to church in a last-ditch effort to save your soul. Really. Truly. It sounds to me like what you went through is the same kind of loss of direction everybody goes through when a marriage comes apart."Mortification slowed its pace and relief edged forward."So, if you didn't come to church out of desperation, what did get you there?"Heartened by Peg's acceptance of what I was saying, I continued. "At the same time that I admitted my split personality to myself, I realized that my study, which had for years been my place of refuge from the world, a pleasurable place for me to be, had become a cell of fear into which I'd locked myself. Then I tried to remember what weekends used to be like, what normal people did on Saturdays and. Tonight, there was no one waiting there for him but his ghosts. It still being spring, it was too cool and early to stay out long, but the mosquitoes kept him company and he didn’t care much either way. Sometime during the first beer, he carefully burned the photographs along with the memory card and stirred the ashes with a stick that he tossed in afterward. Sometime after the second beer, he heard the word again in his mind, the last thing she’d ever said as she smiled up at him just before she died in the arms of a soldier from the other side of the world. He heard that one word ring through his mind in the voice of the small child that he’d never forget. Fereshteh. He knew what it meant now. If he could have had his wish, he’d have been what the word meant, because then he’d have been able to save her. He hung his head and now weeks afterward, he finally began to weep for her. The house was locked up the third day, and he looked at his bike, wishing. Not this time, he thought. He.
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