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Susan came over, and spent the night with my daughter.Like many girls, Sally feels self conscious about her weight. Susan, who dated several boys in high school, has the pencil thin body of a professional model, and a face to go with it. Sally is what they call in Yiddish, "zaftig." She is buxom, rather than fat, with large breasts, and a waist that is much thinner than her full, rounded hips. I liked to show her pictures of German beer maids to try to convince her that many men preferred women like her, but I was unconvincing, because boys did not ask her for dates. Her face is not as beautiful as her mother's, but pretty in the same way, and with a shy smile that I wished she would show the world more often.Susan tried to get a boy friend to ask Sally to the senior prom. It did not work out. Susan went with another boy. At the dinner table, the night of her senior prom, Sally did not feel like talking. She ate quickly, and went to her bedroom, and closed the door. When I saw her. " Each partner must have the physical power to bring about the most pain, and have enough tolerance and virility to maintain long periods of terrifying foreplay before finally sating their own urges.I am not sure how or when I became a slave to sexual pain, but it's now more a drug for me than anything else. It brings about a high, as well as serving a much greater purpose to me. Each slash of the whip on my skin or jolt of pain across my cheek have become almost...euphoric. I feel closer to reality than I ever have, the anguish providing a sense of stability - something real to cling to that keeps me grounded. With only the physical and nothing emotional.I've encountered more freedom than I have ever known with the torment and yet, I am chained to it like a prisoner with a weight around its foot. I am a thrall to my symbolic routine. I worship it so intensely that it has now replaced any hope or faith I had prior.The fact that I am, no doubt, creating turmoil inside the minds of most.
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