I CATCH My MOTHER-IN-LAW In Bed, My Penis Can't...

They always sat at the bar where the crisp boxes were, so every time I leaned down to get any they’d get an eyeful. They were harmless, or so I thought. Mid-fifties, weather-beaten, rugged and, more often than not, drunk. Tom would constantly ask me out on a date, but I always turned him down. “Old enough to be my dad,” I told him. He’d always say, “Experience is what counts, sweetheart.” and give me a wink. I’d laugh it off, but next minute he’d be in deep conversation with Colin, both of them looking at me and smirking to each other. They gave me the shivers. The landlord was a lazy bastard, and most nights I’d end up alone in the bar to lock up. I’d do a patrol, make sure there was no-one lurking in the loos. I drew the line at going into the men’s- it stank to high heaven. One night, I’d thrown the last man out and bolted the door, went and turned off the loo lights and started to empty the ashtrays. What a glamorous job I had. I’d cashed up and was taking out the last of the. If you don’t, well, today’s the 31st, and I don’t think you can expect too many children to be ringing your doorbell this evening.”“Fine. We’ll save on candy.” She flicked her cigarette. I remembered how, since we’d moved here, she’d enjoyed greeting the trick-or-treaters at the door, oohing and ahhing over their costumes.“When did you start smoking?” I asked.“What do you care?”“You’re right,” I said. “It’s none of my business.” I turned around and went inside.My conversation with STB had reminded me both that I needed to get some candy, and that I could use some help doling it out. I get along just fine with teenagers, but, although I like small children (and would like some of my own, someday), I never had the knack of talking to them, and knowing this about myself only seems to make my interactions with them even more forced and awkward. The candy was easy; for help, I called Lindsay.She was actually excited to come over and help, because, as she explained, there were hardly any.
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