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My sister was older than I, and a whole lot smarter, as was attested to by her current lofty position as a Federal judge. The only way I thought I could compete with her was to keep her distracted. I later found out - she told me, out of pity, I think - that only the first time I used the motor had it been a surprise. She had watched me building the contraption in our small apartment, and my childish manipulations to get her to sit on that particular wooden chair in the kitchen had been painfully transparent. She knew I wasn't mean enough - or brave enough - to hurt her or shock her, so she let herself be manipulated into the seat.You could have heard the on/off switch of that first crude device in the next apartment when it went off, and there was a distinct smell of burning insulation as the motor kicked in. The chair just about rattled across the floor, but the effect on her was a surprise, a pleasant surprise; very pleasant for her. She patiently and eagerly suffered through my. All I succeeded in doing was ridding myself of any remaining traces of midlife. I washed thoroughly inside to make sure of that as well.Happy anniversary to us.It had taken all my strength to try to keep it together to think of what I might do to start making amends, to make plans to start the process. Nothing remained. I sank to the tile floor and started to sob. I didn't slow down until I became aware that the water was now cold.I exited the shower and toweled off. Instead of sobbing now, I was shivering.Being alone is not a terrible thing in itself. Many people are alone and get along quite nicely, thank you. But I was alone after being together with Danny, when I should have been with Danny, and that was a terrible thing.I went back into the bedroom and put on a sweat suit and sat on the bed, my back against the headboard waiting for a phone call that never came.It felt like Danny had died and I would be without him forever. No, it was more like I had neglected to get the brakes.
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